THE Stade du Marsh resembled an Asian paddy field and smelt strangely of water buffalo. Playing with the wind first, Torrington's Nigel Tufnell charged down a speculative Bude kick to score.

Even in the atrocious conditions the X-Men looked to run it. Ron Cann took a great off-load from Paul Jennings to surge over in the corner like an irresistible wave. Meanwhile, playing more like tidal bore, Rollo McGrath missed the conversion.

By half time most of the players had the look of Death by Chocolate in hideous human form. Bude trapped Torrington in the bottomless bog beneath their posts and scrum half Dyer nipped round to score. McGrath converted.

Pete and Simon Jeffery were turning over lots of Torrington ball with thunderous tackling. Jeffery senior instigated a flowing movement across the pitch which resulted in Paul Jennings scoring in the left corner.

The X-Men lost Tug 'Sweet Cheeks' Wilson to a knock on the head. He was so disorientated he thought Pete Jeffery was Barack Obama. Issuing a suitably Presidential decree, Jeffery brought on young Curtis Blake, the X-Men's resident hairdresser.

Scissoring through the sodden Torrington defence, Blake scored and converted the X-Men's final try.

All 30 hardy players trooped off to shower away mud and sand from hidden cavities of their bodies that only trained surgeons should really investigate.

Thanks to substitute referee Crispin Sobey who officiated in the enthusiastic style of a contestant on Bruce's old-style Generation Game.

X-Men: S. Henwood, B. Wickett, A. Godwood, S. Jeffery, R. Cann, Callum McGinty, T. Wilson, P. Jeffery, J. Dyer, R. McGrath, N. Mobbs, J. Uglow, R. Mill, D. Huddlestone, P. Jennings, C. Blake and M. George.